What about all of the oppressed minorities in the US? How do these minorities bear on the notion of American exceptionalism?
Julia Sun
The
hazy sunshine glazed off the leaves, settling lazily on the charcoal-colored
pavement. Brand-new blue and white sneakers stepped off from a weather-beaten
porch, whose orange paint had almost faded, but not quite.
Copper-brown
eyes scanned the neighboring houses, pausing at the newly-built mint-colored Victorian
only two houses away before hardening into amber jewels, tears welling up in
between the long lashes. She remembered that fateful day, five years ago.
***
She
dashed out the door before her mother could pull her honey-brown hair into a
ponytail, laughing as she chomped on the chocolate-chip cookie.
“Come
back here Naomi!” Her mother’s yells flew past her eardrums and vibrated
against the walls of her newly-painted house. She wrinkled her nose as she
smelled the lingering scent of the carrot-colored paint and sped away, towards
a baby-blue ranch two houses away from her own house.
“Mhmmm
I’hmm grhoing too Erllaa’s hrouwseeee,” Naomi yelled back to her mother, crumbs
spraying all over the spring grass on her neighbor’s front yard.
The goofy grin slipped
off her face when she saw a huge truck looming in front of Ella’s single-story
house. The presence of such an enormous vehicle was frightening enough to the nine-year-old,
but the ominous words etched on the side of the dark black truck scared her even
more: “M-o-v-i-n-g C-o-m-p-a-n-y”. Without even fully comprehending the meaning
of those five syllables, Naomi dashed into Ella’s kitchen screaming her
friend’s name, her cheeks streaked with rivulets of salty tears.
She saw a small
head poke out from behind the staircase. Ella’s eyes were swollen red and she
was still dressed in her Disney-princess pajamas.
“Naomi,” she
whispered softly. “I’m sorry.”
“What do you
mean? You’re actually moving?! Why are you leaving me here? Who’s going to
climb into the tree house with me when I’m bored? Who will play ‘Spies’ with me
when I finish my homework? Who am I going to have sleepovers with when my
parents are at work late?”
She huffed out
the last few words, gasping for breath as anger and fear racked her small
frame. Ella froze, not expecting such an outburst from her best friend of seven
years.
Suddenly, Naomi
stopped crying and started scrabbling at the hand-knit scarf knotted tightly
around her throat. She pulled out a gold chain with a crescent moon and star
attached.
“Who will go to
mosque with me?” she whispered.
Ella felt her
own hand fly to the matching necklace around her neck and sniffled sadly. “Naomi, my mom… she told me daddy was fired two
months ago. He… can’t find a job anymore.” Her tiny face scrunched up and her black
eyebrows wrinkled angrily, creating a horrifying expression on her youthful
face.
“Mommy says we
don’t have enough money to live here anymore.” Ella hiccupped once, before
looking away from her friend. Naomi looked down at her worn-out gray sneakers,
embarrassed by her outburst of harsh words and sucked in an imperceptible
breath of air.
“Why would your
dad get fired? He’s a hard worker,” Naomi breathed softly. Ella shook her head
unhappily before replying.
“Mommy said it
was because we go to mosque. In September, something happened… people didn’t
like Daddy.”
Noami’s eyes
widened fearfully. She’d heard her parents talk about something dangerous happening in
New York two months back.
“Will you ever
come back?” Naomi cried, her tears dropping faster than ever. Ella shook her
head despondently before looking at her friend sadly. Unspoken words dropped as
heavily as stones, severing the last threads of happiness between the two children.
Footsteps
approached the two girls, and Ella’s mother scooped up the two puffy-eyed girls
into her warm, affectionate arms.
“Naomi, please
understand. We are in great danger. People… they are seeking our lives. Tell
your parents to be careful in this country, and tell your mom that her best
friend… will never forget her.” She choked out the last few words planting a
kiss on her surrogate daughter’s head before watching the skinny nine-year-old
dash out the door to find her own parents.
***
Naomi’s hand
tightened against the crescent moon and star necklace still laced around her
pale neck. The tears had stopped flowing long ago, but the innocent child of
nine years had changed. Whether it was because her lips no longer moved during
the Pledge of Allegiance or if it was the fear that crept into her heart every
coming September, she did not know. Nor would she ever understand why destiny
had stolen her carefree self and her best friend, only to exile both of them from
her world forever.
I think this narrative was excellent and I loved reading it. Your imagery is creative and clear to the point where I can imagine the setting without any problems. You also did a very good job balancing the descriptions and dialogue, both of which were pithy and told me exactly what was happening without the narrator having to overtly do so. Although the restraint of length stopped me from wanting to write a narrative myself, you did really well in getting to the point without rushing the story. I think your piece answered the question completely, which is definitely harder with a fiction narrative. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the comments I don't want to be counted for grading, since I wrote it before the rubric was given out. Thanks Mr. Moran :)
DeleteWow! This was a great narrative and successfully captured a view of an oppressed minority in the U.S. I loved how you were able to distinctly emphasize this point of view and in less than 800 words, create a touching story that answers the question completely. I especially like how you switched from the present to past and then to present, using the character’s memory to bring to attention of how oppressed minorities feel. Also, when you switch back to present again, I love how you gave specific examples of how the characters changed, such as “her lips no longer moved during the Pledge of Allegiance” to again emphasize the negative side of American exceptionalism. Another thing I really liked, though not too relevant, was how at the beginning you talk about how the orange paint was faded, and then in the memory, the walls were newly painted, which is a brilliant way to show the passing of time.
ReplyDeleteThis narrative is really lovely and poignant-- especially because it captures a sense of innocence from a child’s perspective. I love how you chose to address the prompt of oppressed minorities in America by writing about a simple friendship between two girls and their emotional experience in dealing with the consequences of being the oppressed minority. Your choice of words paints a vivid picture in my head; the dialogue is realistic and meaningful. The last paragraph was particularly touching because I remember not being able to recite the Pledge of Allegiance when I first moved to America. I wasn’t exactly classified as an oppressed minority, but I remember the uneasy feeling of being a foreigner and of “not belonging.”
ReplyDeleteYou did a fantastic job with this shtory, especially with showing instead of stating details,like when how you used the orange paint to signify a shift in timing. You also used very powerful imagery, such as when Naomi takes out her necklace and when Ella's mother kisses her goodbye. The ending was particularly moving, I think, because when people think of 9/11 they don't realize how it effected things like childrens' frienships. The only criticism I have is that in the first section you used a lot of hyphenated adjectives, which was a little awkward.
ReplyDeleteThis narrative is beautiful. I love the way you started in the present but being extremely vague so the reader is drawn in to read more, which leads them to a flashback which is both moving and informative. You did a great job focusing down a minority and the specific events leading to their oppression. Good job giving oppression an image by directly correlating American fear after September 11th to the separation of two innocent friends. Talking about how Naomi feels five years afterwards is done incredibly well, because it is true that children are impressed into an American identity by being forced to repeat the Pledge of Allegiance. The only criticism I have is that I was confused how this narrative related to the question of American exceptionalism.
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ReplyDeleteThe thing that impressed me most about this narration is its concision. By using powerful dialogues, you manage to create a captivating story, without long, monotonous descriptions. The major criticism I have for the piece stems from a point that Alex made. As he pointed out, it is not clear how your narrative addresses the question of how minorities “bear on the notion of American exceptionalism”. From what I understand, the main character, Naomi, is not an oppressed minority herself, but has instead witnessed the negative effects of American oppression on Ella, an Islamic minority. Considering this, I think a better focus question would have been “is America exceptional”, as Naomi’s experience and emotions in the narrative (especially the last paragraph) suggests that she does not view America in such a light. With this fix, your narrative would be an extremely convincing, and touching view point on American exceptionalism. Great job overall!
ReplyDeleteFantastic job on this narrative Julia, its great! I love the way you organized the piece going from past to present. It made the story straightforward and specific but also added a creative element to the structure, which is always nice to see. You are a talented writer and this showed in your description of both the characters and the scenery! I also appreciated your interesting word choices, for example, “Her mother’s yells flew past her eardrums and vibrated against the walls of her newly-painted house”. It makes the story that much more interesting to read when you use descriptive words so great job! I also think you did an excellent job with the flow of this piece. The transitions are flawless; they are actually hard to notice because they fit together and flow so perfectly. I loved the way you built up Naomi’s questions for Ella ending with “Who will go to mosque with me”. This was effective because it made me feel true sadness, and also made me think about this actually happening in America, and feel shame about it. The last paragraph is especially powerful. I loved the part about the pledge of allegiance as well as the last sentence because the language is so powerful in both that it really stuck with me and forced me to remember your story. My only criticism is maybe you could have stated where Ella and her family went, to add another level of specificity. Great job, it was a pleasure to read.
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